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Sunday, March 24, 2013

Growing some balls

At the ripe age of 42 I've decided to grow some balls where the question - "You think you're better than me now?" goes. It's been a slow and painful process at times, but one I'm just now realizing is necessary. Not to allow others to walk all over my emotions and person. My only regret in this is not realizing sooner that this a problem they have, and it's not something I should feel bad about.

Twenty two years ago I married the love of my life, we eloped. No big wedding, no honeymoon. Just us and 2 of his friends. There are no regrets, I didn't really feel the wedding plans were for us but for everyone else anyway. When you are an introvert you don't really care to have a lot of people in the same room with you. One on one, a small affair but certainly not Gypsy Wedding affairs. Running off and getting hitched seemed like a much better option to me, so we did.

Not only did I run off and get hitched I ran even farther soon after and moved out with this guy to the outer barriers of our country. That might have been a mistake because we lived with his friends and OMG never do that. lol It worked out in the end and we did get our own place but OMG never move in with another family. EVER! I could tell you all stories that would make your heads spin. People were all up in our business and causing chaos and further we had a naked guy almost leap into bed with us because he was drunk out of his mind and that is not even the worst part of that story.

After being gone for quite a while I went back home to visit or stay or something. My husband was at sea and I had a tough pregnancy, so instead of staying with crazy people I went home to my momma. Everything was ok and fine and I loved spending time at home with her and certain members of my family, but - there is always a but right.

It was upon this visit that a certain family member made the comment "So now you think you're better than me/us?" It hit me hard. First that's not something I have ever thought. I wasn't raised that way. In no way am I better than anyone else. I felt horrible, and tried to apologize, not knowing what to say but hurting knowing that whatever it was I did hurt them. What do you do in a moment like that?

Over the years it's been said and there have been times that it's just mind boggling to even conceive that someone would revert to that phrase about me or my family.

Last week someone said it again. Not to me but about someone else. It struck me again in the pit of my stomach like a leaded brick. Later in the day I realized, this is not my issue it's theirs. It also struck me that these same people are only seeking to bring the other person down.

You see from my perspective it's not that you or I have acted "like we are better". No, instead what is happening is they are saying we don't deserve better. Why is that? Why is it that if we work hard to achieve things in life, goals, have nice things, or take care of what we have we don't deserve it in their minds. That's what it boils down to isn't it?

So from now on I'm going to ask these people "Why? Why do you not think I deserve something better? Why are you judging me?" I'm taking the bull by the horns and letting them know under no circumstance are they allowed to tromp around on my happiness.

Have you struggled with something or someone like this? How do you handle it?

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